Saturday, May 26, 2012

This is why Facebook and my low self-esteem are evil

Soooo... It's my birthday. I've been feeling super low lately, but usually my birthday would help with that - not this year. My depression monster just looked at those two pretty little umbers in the square on the calendar and chomped down on them about two weeks ago when it seemed my in-laws (who ALWAYS make a big deal out of birthdays) were all unavailable this weekend and next weekend. To make matters slightly worse I had to ask them if they were coming so even though there are two of us in the city with birthdays within 2 days of each other it was a bit like I was chasing them yelling, "hey! Anyone still love me?" This morning I wake up and instead of my jubilant, "it's my birthday!!" I just lay there in silence. My husband, who has been in a funk himself and therefore not his typical frisky self just stirs lazily and rolls back over, even the dog jumps up - and runs to my sleeping husband. And then my phone buzzes. Facebook. 16 people have written on your timeline. First let me say the Facebook mobile sucks. It decides which posts you want to see on your own timeline. So I can't see who these 16 people are, and yet somehow deep down I know that although as I've been typing this another 7 people have posted messages, I just know who hasn't - and I'm afraid to look. Also I just realized (while sitting on my front porch) that I slept in sweatpants and a nightgown. Ridiculous.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Breaking up is hard to do... but it's harder when business is in the mix

This morning I heard myself refer to "my best friend" and I realized something had happened. I was speaking of a girl I went to high school with. This friend was my maid of honor and we live only about 2 hours apart, but we rarely talk, rarely email and the first time I met her daughter she was almost two.

A shift had occurred. I also realized it didn't make me sarod angry anymore because I have to take care of myself - which means recognizing when someone else is being cruel and unfair. The sad part is we have a small business on the line - a business I adore - and truthfully, my former friend has only chosen to take out her personal insecurities about our relationship in the setting of this business. When we are alone she pretends nothing has happened.

Also, I'm having a terrible day because I forgot to take my meds and I ran out of allergy eyedrops so my left eye REALLY hurts. Also I haven't heard back about a second interview for the job I really want.

Somedays you really just want a madman with a big blue box to show up and whisk you away.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I will not be willingly subjecting myself to a parasite, even it does wear adorable onesies

I've never been a girly girl. I don't make friends easily - oddly I have managed to remain friends with all my exes (the non-abusive ones). So, when an awkward, yet joyfully fulfilling friendship unexpectedly snuck up on me I was cautious. After all, I had been bitch-slapped by every attempt at female friendship since a certain crimp-haired, denim skirted gal left me in second grade when her family moved to the deep south.

Slowly, I allowed myself to trust that this girl did in fact care about me and wasn't just humoring me as I rambled endlessly. It was freeing - somehow I had become one of those girls who had private jokes, who I felt safe with and eventually, I could reveal my deepest secrets to... which is how it came to be that we discussed our feelings on babydom (as in the having-of).  I've always felt breeding is not a public conversation - it is not acceptable to ask people when (or if) they intend to "try".  We had both been married for several years, so people expected we might be weighing our options... and we were. It was liberating to hear she also found the thought of babies completely terrifying and I understood when she told me she wasn't sure she would ever be able to make such a difficult decision, so her decision was not to "start tyring" but the "stop preventing".

It hit me pretty hard when she told me she was pregnant, but I resolved myself to the fact that our relationship would change and that adding a baby to the mix did not mean I was losing her. I threw myself into letting her know I was there for her. I threw her a surprise shower, gave her little gifts, I stifled my anxiety/detrimentally low self-esteem and attended her official shower. On the day she was induced I worried myself almost to illness while perpetually texting her husband and then afterwards rushed over to meet my lil faux-niece.

It was wonderful, and peaceful. That infant was the only baby who has ever swayed me towards potential babydom... and then the anticipated changed began.

When I lost almost entire contact with her I began spending more time with my husband and some other friends. I recognized that she was sleep deprived and hormonal so I tried to understand when she essentially accused me of replacing her with those other friends. I explained I'd simply been spending time with them and thought the matter closed.

If only. That little one is now 10 months old and our friendship is over. Bit by bit she pushed me away with her unwavering faith in the fact I had replaced her until I was accused of causing drama at a high decibel level while I cried as I admitted to my newfound dependency on anti-anxiety meds to prevent panic attacks. Later, as I sobbed/sang I Dreamed a Dream in the shower, I realized that adorable little cherub had turned her into someone who caused me pain.  Well, I learned something here, having a baby doesn't change everyone for the best - which makes the prospect of children completely unpalatable. Some things just aren't worth the risk.